The following paragraph is from a daily devotional that Crossroads Baptist Church hands out....
The moment someone begins to gossip stop them and ask "Why do I need to know this? Have you talked to the person you're talking about?" Wise up; People who gossip can not be trusted. The bible says that when you listen to gossip you are a troublemaker: "These are the people who divide you, people whose thoughts are only of this world" Jude V. 19
“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” Colossians 3:8 (NIV)
Standing in line for the concert gave my family plenty of people-watching time. As girls and guys made their way to the back of the line, I pointed out all the immodest clothing. “Why would she wear those in public?” “Oh my! I can’t believe she feels comfortable dressed like that!” I commented as one-by-one they passed us.
I must have shared quite a few of these statements because my oldest teenaged daughter finally said, “Mom, you are being mean!”
I felt so small. I hadn’t thought I was being mean. I was simply pointing out to my girls how not to dress. But my daughter was right.
The truth is, my girls already know how not to dress; I have been teaching them since they were five. And now I was teaching them how to judge another woman. I was teaching them to be mean.
Since that night at the concert I’ve come to the conclusion that mean girls often come from mean mamas. When we point out other’s flaws, we are modeling for our kids a judgmental heart. Instead, what we mamas need to demonstrate is compassion.
Our key verse today says we are to rid ourselves of slander, which means a scandalous remark. In fact, in the verses before and the verses that follow, it doesn’t mention of any time when it is okay to slander others.
One way we are overcoming a mean spirit in our family is through accountability. When my girls are gossiping or putting another girl down, I gently point it out and my girls do the same for me.
At first, having my child call me out was a bit uncomfortable. But making this a family issue, rather than just me correcting my kids, is bringing us to a deeper level of kindness.
Like me, you may be surprised to discover just how often you say unkind things . If you watch each other’s words, both you and your child will become more compassionate, less judgmental and a whole lot more careful about the words you say! It’s working for me; I know it will work for you too!
Dear Lord, I want to rid myself of slander and in turn teach my children to do the same. Please cleanse my heart of judgment and help me to set a guard over my mouth. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
The following except is from
It’s much more useful to define our boundary between good and bad gossip. For me, the difference lies in both the intention and the consequence. Good gossip should come with both well-meaning intentions and beneficial consequences for all. Bad gossip is when either the intention or the consequence, or both, are not good. Here’s a simple illustration.
Examples of good gossip could be:
- Parents talking about a difficult child and how to help him
- Spreading word about a project a colleague did well
- Warning a friend about someone’s suspicious behaviour in order to protect her from that person
Socrates’s Test of Three (source)
I can’t remember where I first read this story and so am sorry that I can’t attribute the source. But it is the wisest way I’ve heard of managing gossip.
One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass the Test of Three. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, “You may still pass though, because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really…”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True not Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
Pruning the bad gossip
Once gossip crosses over into the ‘bad’ categories, what can we do? Tempting as it is to hear the juicy stories, most of us know in our hearts that we are compromising ourselves by letting the gossip continue. Most people adopt one of the following strategies:
- Remain silent: This is probably the easiest method. It allows you to continue listening to the gossip without actively participating in it. The problem is you may be condoning the behaviour by being part of it.
- Speak up: Objecting to the gossip forces others to recognise what they are doing and decide what to do. This requires more courage as you have to stand up to your pals and may come across as a self-righteous person.
- Change the subject: Safer and easier than speaking up against the gossip. The downside is that you may find yourself having to change the subject many times during the conversation.
- Walk away: Giving a reason to excuse yourself is a subtle way of sending a message that this activity is not acceptable to you. Unfortunately, not everyone gets a subtle message.
- Change friends: Drastic is this is, sometimes we have to accept that we are not strong enough to handle bad gossip, and the best thing we can do is avoid the gossip-mongers.
The Proverbs 31 ministry devotional really changed me yesterday. I wanted to stop the gossip. It makes me feel like crap! I really don't enjoy talking awful about people, reading about people, and searching facebook to see if they look like crap or if they are having a bad day. It not only is AWFUL but it somehow brings me down too. I decided to stop it altogether. I quit following (in google reader) all of the gossip blogs and I decided to THINK first before saying anything. Instead of getting pissed about someone not showing up to something for some reason I will be compassionate about it. Maybe they are having an awful day and need some alone time...Nothing good will come from gossiping about the person not being there....and it isn't even useful to talk awful about the person. There is no need to be rude. It helps NO ONE. Plus you get in a foul/devious mood for talking so badly about someone. Being happy is amazing! I am so INCREDIBLY happy with where i am at! The whole not gossiping has also DONE WONDERS on my mood! So goodbye to bad gossip. Hello to Happiness!!!!
